Saturday, November 9, 2019

Finite answer

Minor cramps since last night.
Today at 1.30 afternoon, the cramps lead to excessive bleeding.
The sac completely discharged. 50dp3dt. 

Although the frustration is the same, the pain my heart felt obviously not as hard as when I first heard what the Drs. said.

Alhamdulillah. It doesnt matter my prayers was not yet answered. Least, I had a finite answer. 

Monday, November 4, 2019

As if I’m pregnant


I took the longest journey

Saturday, November 2, 2019

What is happening to my body?

21 Oct 2019, Dr confirmkan no sac &  heartbeat, my uterine line pun nampak thinning.
With no extreme cramps, or heavy bleed, am still spotting and faint bleeding up to this date.

21 Oct 2019, did UPT again (31dp3dt) still double lines. Might be hCG hormones still not out of the system.

27 Oct 2019, did another UPT (37dp3dt) to double check hCG. Yep, still double.

2 Nov 2019, another UPT (43dp3dt) still double line.

No heavy bleeding, no blood clot. Nothing.

Note: Husband suggested to give another check up to double confirm. But am afraid to face bitter truth, twice.

Saturday, October 19, 2019

Lose hope by the AF

I think Aunt Flow is coming.
Exactly 5 days after stop taking Duphaston.

So, there is the end of my slightliest chance.

If there could be-a chance.

So. I’m gonna take not-so-long break. To recovery myself, mentally and physically.
Will start TTC Fund immediately. This time, husband paid for everything; sedih tengok he had spent a lot but only to hear the failure (fresh IVF with no frozen embryos).
I felt guilty towards him. 😢

Note: AF is not as in usual terms. Only few spotting and stops now and then. Side effect of duphaston

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Assisted Reproductive Tech (ART)

Membetulkan persepsi manusia ni is rather hard. Bilamana dah ramai orang buat IVF, nanti ada pulak yang cakap saja buat sbb nak dapat anak mahal. Heh.

Kalo lah orang tu cerdik, dia tahu camne seksa nya proses TTC ni tanpa bersuka-sukaan suami isteri lalu termengandung. Dia sama sekali takkan ingin melalui proses tersebut. Tapi, biasalah sebab dia tak kena dia tak tahu. IVF ni pada aku, sbnarnya ikhtiar terakhir kalau diberi pilihan. Tak best sebenarnya. Sakit. Itu je yang aku boleh kata.

Ada ke orang saja nak sakit semata-mata nak tergolong dalam orang dapat anak guna IVF?
Ada ke orang sengaja nak spent duit beribu sedangkan orang lain main celup-celup tabur-tabur dah jadi baby?
Haha.
Apa lah bangang kalau ada, kan?

Personally, aku ni tiub fallopian dah rosak, pastu ectopic pregnancy, doktor buang dua-dua tiub. Jadi ikhtiarnya yang tinggal cuma IVF, reti? Emosi lak mak ED ptg ni. Aku syukur pd Allah rahim dan ovari aku ok, boleh la guna teknik IVF tu. Abis aku nak ganti apa lak tiub aku tu dah takde, straw?

Hah. Ingat kita suka suka gaknya buat IVF tu. Dah la kena cucuk-cucuk perut tiap malam. Kadang tu sampai 3 shots satu malam, serentak. Belum campur lagi post-OPU yang perut ko bloated, kelengkang ko sakit terpaksa mengangkang sepanjang dalam OT.

Kalau aku lemah semangat, dari HSG aku dah stop.

https://youtu.be/bs2mryGYvzQ

Nah. Semua orang yang hebat melalui IVF tu kau boleh nilai sendiri. Money does not matter anymore. Please respect their courage, ok


Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Am I still in denial or is it motherly instinct?

Ya ya. Should redha. But I’m still feel pregnant.
No morning sickness, no nothing. Tapi I feel something.

Last transvaginal ultrasound on 14 Oct 2019 (which Dr. kata the baby is gone) I still clearly saw the Sac. Tapi tak nampak heartbeat, or egg yolk (can google). Am I still hoping for that sac? Yes. Coz this few days, I’ve stopped bleeding, and nothing keluar as any form of clot or anything.

When I compare history ED masa IVF dulu, I can see why.
The nurse kirakan my Gestational Week is 7+/52 . Last thing I remember the nurse ask when is my LMP.

LMP : 25 Ogos 2019
OPU : 17 Sept 2019
















So, by right, I’m only 6 weeks masa scan tu. Ovulation occurs at Day21 LMP which happen that my period cycle is at 35 days!
Recalculate semula, I’m at 24dp3dt during scan (6weeks gestational pregnant).

Is it possible during that time my Fetal Heartbeat is not visible? Should I repeat Bhcg kat mana-mana lab private such as BP Lab, Gribbles ? Should I redo UPT to check traces of hcg lagi seminggu dua?

Masa ED dulu, Dr.K accurately OPU at D15, and ET 3days later. Lepas bhcg, Dr.K terus schedule for ultrasound on 8GW.

Still praying and hoping for slightliest chances possible. Allah please guide me. Allah, pls help me Your humble servant

Kos IVF LPPKN 2019

So lets see the latest actual cost ICSI LPPKN
Note: this page will not responsible for Any lost and misleading info. For reff only

Monday, October 14, 2019

Menangani kesedihan

1. First thing, always percaya kuasa Allah. Sehebat mana teknologi, Allah yang tentukan rezeki setiap manusia.

2. Menangis sepuasnya. Hanya air mata yang tinggal untuk kau hilangkan semua kekecewaan kau. Bagi aku, air mata itu memang teman kegagalan TTC. 3 kali IUI, 1 kali FET dan kali ini IVF.

3. Talk to your spouse. Cuma mampu kata “sorry abang..”. Selebihnya aku lagi fikir kata-kata yang sesuai untuk terangkan semuanya pada ED yang terlalu mengharap seorang adik.

4. Mandi lama-lama. Biarkan air mata turun bersama. Solat.

5. Take a break.

(Edited)

6. I find myself cleaning up everything I could clean. And throwing anything useless; from pile of plastic bottles, cans, everything I could emptied. Berus, sental toilet, dinding, lantai and as tiny as water hose. 10.30pm now, just finished all that. Next, kutip semua lap kaki, carpet2 kecik. Sawang yang melekat di blade ceiling fan I just did ptg tadi. (Now still thinking what else?)

7. Bath again. Oh, shopping online pun macam best.

Note: This morning I was unable to read message, dari adik beradik dan Abah. I dare not to pick up their call. Mengelak dari menjadi lebih sedih dan sayu.
(Edited)
Pick up ED from school, explain to him is rather hard. He said “abis kenapa perut mama masih gemuk?” I shortly answered “mama tak berak lagi, nanti kurus lah”

Bila suruh dia mandi tadi, dia tanya lagi “kenapa adik tak nak duduk perut mama?” I suddenly burst my tears. Aku nangis lagi, ED pun bergenang air mata sekali.
Hurt me deep.

7+/52 week ANC

Antenatal Check-up pagi ni.

Sadden by the news, the babies were gone. Abort pregnancy. Dr.Wan & double confirmed by Dr. Hamizah.

Bleeding which happen in two weeks. Suddenly stopped past few days. I thought everything turn out fine. Tapi bila Dr. Wan took a bit longer nak cari sac and heartbeat tadi, I was feeling something might ended bad.

La ukallifullahu Nafsan illa wus ‘aha.
Isnt the first time. But i know my time will come.
Positive vibes pls come to me.

(Surely I cried a lot. Crawling to the bed ... )
Note: ED mama feel sorry for you.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Terms you should familiar with in TTC

Nama TTC ni tak sinonim dengan yang celum-celup terus jadi (you know what i mean).
Nak kickstart dgn TTC ni selalunya after a year of marriage living together. Kalau saperate living, a year pun doktor kata too early to start.

Bila pergi rawatan, most of all doktor bagi Clomid (ransang telur) try for couple of months. Dan harap spontaneous pregnancy occurs. Kalau dah tak berjaya, baru lah pergi second part, check you and your husband. And as usual, rawatan kat women always lead to yang sakit-sakit punya part. So, be prepare mentally and physically.

Husband
SA - Sperm Analysis
SST - Sperm Survival Test
Blood test - AIDS etc

Wife
Blood test D21 menses - FSH,LSH
HSG - Hydrosalpingogram : check fallopian tube blocked or not, method; contrast fluid pumped into your vagina until your womb bloated, then in flat lay position, XRAY will be taken.
VE - vaginal examination ; transducer (baton like thing inserted in your vagina)
OPU - Ovum Pick Up ; between D14-till ovulation. Usually full/part anaesthetics (bius) sbb prosedur sedikit menyakitkan.
ET - Embryo Transfer
14dp3dt - bloodtest hCG - human Chrionic Gonadotrophin (google it yourself pls)
17dp3dt - beta-hCG


 14dp3dt hCG bloodtest happen when your menses is delay. Repeat hCG (beta-hCG) is in fact to confirm pregnancy. Refer table above. As long as the value exceed 5, still ada hope for BhCG.

Some medication on fertility
Clomid - usually for early treatment, bahasa mudahnya, pil subur
Duphaston - ubat hormon progesteron deficiency, bahasa mudahnya, ubat kuat rahim for TTC.
Burserelin - 1st phase IVF hormon injected 2” from bellybutton from D21
Gonal-F - as in Clomid, 2nd phase IVF hormon injected as Burserelin, bahasa mudahnya hormon ransang telur (ovum)
Pregnyl - hormon injected to your belly 48hours before expected OPU, bahasa mudahnya ubat pecah telur

Hope this helps!

UPT

This time, 2ww tak dapat MC. One thing i think new policy (read from LPPKN bunting information during their 40th anniversary Fertility Ctr held last September 2019) and one thing aku pun dah di tukar kpd Dr.Wan instead of Dr.K (during ED my son).

First week aku amik annual leave, the following week dah start kerja. Elok juga, kalau tidak asyik memikir dan mengGoogle. 😥

Fertility journey ni paling menguji minda masa 2ww lah. Kalau kau nak rasa penantian satu penyeksaan, this is the time you should learn. Been there, done that. 

As my office dekat je dengan Guardian, bila terpaksa lalu, aku tak boleh tidak kaki ni nak melangkah cari UPT. Husband dah warning, jangan. Tapi aku ni sejenis yang kena handle any news slowly, bad or good news. 

Dengan jalan macam 🐌 beli lah 3 UPT yg manual. Abis pakai, terpaksa lalu lagi. Terbeli la lagi. Nekad aku kali ni tak nak macam FET last 4 years. Dr.K cakap “sorry....” tak dan dia cakap aku dah berjurai airmata sebaldi. 

Of course aku buat UPT senyap-senyap tak inform Hb.
ET aku scheduled on 20/9/2019. 
27/09/2019 parents aku datang rumah.
28/09/2019 aku keluar ikut parents aku shopping dgn family adik and Hb sekali
29/09/2019 pagi tu aku spotting. 

Masa tu mak nak balik. Cakap kat mak, “tadi mandi ada spotting..” diikuti dgn titisan air mata. Aku nangis, mak pun nangis. Abah pun cam nak nangis. Sayu. Pagi tu aku baru check UPT negative. 


Start with 9dp3dt (9 days past 3 days transfer) that morning aku spotting. 😭
Start kerja the following week, spotting dah jadi bleeding. Faint blood. Cair dan samar. Bila jalan dan berdiri banyak keluar. Malam nak tidur lun dah rasa nightmare. Hopeless sangat rasanya. Menunggu heavy menses AF.

Gagahkan diri check lagi, for total 8 days. Aku memang tak pandai tengok UPT ni sbb selama ni mmg nampak sentiasa jalur jalur. Masa ectopic pregnancy dulu pun gitu juga. Benak benau.

12dp3dt. As usual lepas weewee tak nampak apa. Balik keje masuk toilet aku tengok UPT pagi tadi semula. 

Eh. Macam nampak faint line. Banding dengan UPT past few days. Kebil-kebil mata macam tak caya. Tapi bila check everyday gini, baru lah nampak mana jalur nya. But i’m still bleeding.

4/10/2019 (14dp3dt) scheduled for hCG. Lepas amik darah, terus balik. Malam tu lepas Maghrib aku seru Hb, tunjuk semua UPT test. Aku cakap, maybe positive. Tapi tengok la esok masa BhCG utk betul-betul confirm.

7/10/2019 (17dp3dt) scheduled for BhCG. Kena tunggu sampai result darah keluar. Positive. Tapi aku cakap kat doktor aku bleeding. Doktor kata kena kurangkan pergerakan. Bedrest. Given me 3 days MC. Esok aku kerja for couple of days, next week nak start habiskan annual leave and continue dgn unpaid leave for 1st trimester. 

Robbi la tazarni fardan. Wa anta khairul warisin.. 
kuatkan zuriat kami ini yaAllah



Friday, September 20, 2019

2nd IVF (ICSI)

IVF kedua start during 1st July punya menses.
Agaknya sebab teruk sgt schedule keje masa tu (dgn budak nak grad, aku nak viva sampai terskip lah email dari faculty)

Haywire la jadinya period masa tu. Jadi schedule OPU bebetul lepas budak punya konvo. Righhhht after.

OPU sedih. Pick up eggs dapat 2 yang good grades, 1 not so good. So, doctor suggest ICSI nak reduce risiko.

So, today is ET.

Bermula lah 2ww 😇